Big Dreamer

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by the moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world" - Oscar Wilde

dreams, dreams, dreams.... Today I took the day to read and lay in the sun, and i got to thinking, my dreams are so so big, and I have to wonder am i shying away from my dreams with a sheild of complacenc?. It really kind of frightens me. I took the last few months to think, and figure things out, and boy let me tell you i have a list of dreams a mile and a half long not only dreams but expectations of life.

How do you know when it is time to break the mold? Whatever you wish to call it, the fear of losing all i have here, the friends, the relationships, and ok so maybe it is just me... I feel like most people just have it all set.

school... grow up... get married... get a legit job... have kids... live happily ever after...

while i realize that is an exaggeration, I've always know my "life plan" would be extremely different and out of the ordinary unlike the "normal" life path... i guess my question is when does this all start? Is their a letter you get in the mail, text message maybe? Most likely that is wishful thinking, and I am just supposed to "know"
Part of how i was raised was to dream big, reach for the stars and the idea that i can do anything i want and be anyone i want to be... What mom didn't tell me is how to know when to lay my cards on the table and move on.

 I asked one of my mentors and one of the few people who are not related to me and yet know me better than anyone ( aside from my mother) and he told me, "Just ask"... really it's just that simple... ask? another thing he said that struck a chord " find somthing that sticks with you somthing you cannot get out of your head or more importantly somthing that you cannot get out of your heart". ** cricket cricket** my heart yearns for so many things... travel, teach, learn, make my mark in history... And please understand that I'm not talking about my name being in history books like Ghandi or Mother Theresa, if i can touch one life just one thats good enough for me. But where does all this start, how do i know it is time....

This might seem odd seeing as I'm 21 and supposedly already started my life or whatever... and for those who believe you have four years to complete college, then get the great job, then get married, then have kids and live happily ever after... I just don't think i believe that for myself... life should be thought of two ways,

1. life is more managable when thought of as a scavanger hunt instead of as a suprise party

2. education should be thought of as a buffet... you can always go back for more as many times as you wish

So as i sit here and give you an inside look into my thoughts and life i ask...

As young and in-experienced as i am, are things as black and white as they seem?

-H.F.

Love

Love is Patient...

 Love is Kind...

Love is letting someone see the whole of you and not being afraid they will go running....

Love is tender...

Love, how many different ways it has been defined, used, abused, and given as the ultimate gift.Today is Valentines day the Hallmark Holiday and somthing about Cupid, but most importantly the day of 'Love'. Every single girls worst nightmare, every husbands and boyfriends day to shine or be in the dog house for the next three days. But what is an accurate picture of Love? I'm 21 (thats right and my blog has Hot Flash in the title) and my entire generation has a warped perception of love, the only people I know that are still married are my grandparents, not only married but truely in love. My grandfather died last year of alzheimers, he may not have remebered us or a lot of other things but one thing he never forgot was how much he loved my grandmother. He wasn't perfect and neither was she, but they loved all of eachother the good, the bad, and the rediculous. The one thing I do know about love.....

 LOVE IS NOT PERFECT.

       Like every girl I hope for a happily ever after, and my prince to come and sweep me off my feet, however, no matter how much I believe in the fairytale... I know that, that perfection can be stifling to love. Love is the tenderness that comes from knowing that you're not perfect, and there is no need to always be perfect. Also whatever crazy came up with sex is love... is delusional. Sure its a physical bond and a key to a good relationship and a strong love but it is not love. I'm so sad for people who view it that way and then find the real deal and have to fight through all the old habits and feelings... No thank you. Love. Love your neighibor...Love. Love those who may not deserve your love...Love.

       So many types of Love, Love for friends, Love for family, Love for a significant other, and yet it still has no clearly defined meaning, or boundries for that matter. What is Love?

Well here is my take in a nutshell... Love is a comfortable, tenderness that accepts the whole of a personality. What can i say i'm just putting the pieces together. 

LOVE

HF. 

Restless

Sitting in bed, and my mind is going ninty miles an hour. I mean everywhere at the same time. Mostly over the mistakes of the day. I wonder if I"m the only person who sometimes has to completely give up on sleep due to a heavy concious. Is it possibly that the concisous is so powerful that it can actually deprive you of a restful sleep? Given time to process the day seems to be a dangerous thing. How many times over the course of the day have I truly thought of somthing other than the immediate task that was at hand. Then suddenly its time to shut everything down and my brain races over the happenings of the day. "Oh I should have said this. Oh i wish i would have done that differently. I should have timed that better. Do I still have my best friend from highschool? Wonder how my sister is feeling today." I mean really can we just calm down, then I'm thinking about the guy at work and how I've been a crap friend to him the last two days. Which really sucks cause I don't exactally see him very often. He had a crap day yesterday and I'm sure I didn't help that.

Is there an off switch somewhere I desparately need some good sleep, just like I had yesterday.

        Which brings me to my next question. Why is it that this didn't bother me yesterday? Is it a concious choice? I vaguely remeber thinking yesterday that I should really get up and check for why my phones library suddenly said it was empty, the told myself it would be there to figure out in the morning and not to worry. Is this the same situation? Ok so I guess my solution to this in all my knowledge.... I should try to be a better person during the day so I can sleep like a baby at night.

-HF

Mirror Mirror

  " Mirror Mirror on the wall why must i be so tall

              I hate my hair, its just not fair.

          Help me change the things I see

          For it's beautiful I long to be"

Why is it that every person can look in the mirror and see one flaw in themselves, but when we look at our neighibors all we see is perfection? Is that part of the age old coveting things we don't have and forgetting all the things we do? This thought struck me today as i was eating lunch at work with my friends. I look across the table and my friend is eating and I know she hopes the guy we work with will look her way, but does it ever cross her mind just how talented she is artistically? and she doesn't do anything with it. I would LOVE to be able to be just as creatively artistic as she is, however i am only mildly artistic. My other friend is sitting across frrom me and i look at her life and think,

                                    IF ONLY i were as put together as she is. IF ONLY.

           But do I realize that her calling and mine are at total different ends of the spectrum? The only boy in our entire staff thats on the floor comes and eats with us, and he is so stinkin smart and cute to boot, but I think he's so hooked on how much he's been hurt in the past that he won't really let any of us very close. What a loss, not only for him but also for us. Why is it that people take the bad and blow it up so big that they almost miss all the good.

         As a Christian woman I am supposed to know that I am a Princess in His royal court. There is no part of me, my spirit, my personality, or just plain ole me that the Father doesn't love no matter how I act or what I say and do. However I cannot help but long for what is not mine. I was created to a perfect design for me. So why do I hide parts of myself from everyone else. Why do I want to change what I personally do not deem as perfect? As a generation why do we wish to change what might seem imperfect?

        I think I have part of the answer.. or maybe just the answer to myself. And suprisingly enough if came from a conversation with the same people a week earlier at lunch... ( there seems to be some pattern here)

We were talking about how women make men into jerks, and one thing comes out of their mouth but another follows with actions and it's totally different. What bothered me most about this particular conversation is that it was all "we". very very vague and general. of course each girl is the exception to one rule, but what if we are all the exception to every sterotypical rule? So that is my answer I see the flaws and wish to change them or make them different when actually I'm just the exception to the sterotype.
 "mirror mirror on the wall, maybe i'm not the fairest of them all...

              but what the heck do you know you're just a mirror"

                                               

- H.F

     

                                              

More than a piece of meat

It seems that in this day and age young women have really stepped out and have openly shown their taste when it comes to men. Or maybe it's just me getting older, either way it's something I've noticed. And I can't help but think are men feeling the same way I feel when this happens to me, heck is it even fair to make that assessment of men? I get a whistle and I think you know what I'm so very glad you find me attractive, but you should know that I'm not just a piece of meat, I'm smart, I'm funny ( kind of corny), and I have big dreams.

        Well talking to my sister the other day I realized... I have become one of those women that says," oh my jeez did you see that hottie... YUMM" and it seems to possess my conversation. I would like to put on the table that it does not consume my thoughts, but seems to be the hot spot of open conversation with people like my sister and some of my very close friends, that much I'm grateful for because they all know that I'm intelligent and not really a slut and my boy issues are usually very containable, but none the less it dominates my conversation.

                                                             I HATE THAT.

I hate that I look at a person and immediately think " mm he's yumm-o" or " oh no thank you" what if he's a super prick but super yumm-o? what if he's one of those guys who has a killer personality and a super smile but you have to get to know them? I hate not seeing past the appearances. At one point that's all i saw was past the appearance.. As of late I see the appearance first then look to see whats underneath. "Well how can you see whats underneath if you only see a person in passing" let me tell you something I'm a people watcher and always have been, as a result I see things most don't. And trust me it's an art. But back to the subject at hand. If I don't want to be perceived as a piece of meat shame on me for looking at guys like that and expecting to not be seen as such by them. 

        One day I would love to really delve deep into how people perceive each other, however I'm sure that requires some form of Doctoral degree, of which I currently do not possess. So for now knowing that I, myself am guilty of this is half the battle.

-HF