Believe in me

   How often do we as people forget about our fellow man. Yes we are busy in our own lives and sometimes... OK, OK most of the time people we only deal with in passing people in our lives. What about the people you want to keep in close to you? This all occurred to me last night when I was talking to one of my friends at the bar. He's such a great guy and has only just recently been allowing me to really see who he is. The more I see of him the more I am convinced that he is a better guy than anyone thinks, and that he is worth more time than anyone gives him credit for. Any girl would be lucky to have this guy, now if only I could convince him of this.

    Ok  back on track though, the point in starting this is, I never in a million years expected to hear the words that he hated seeing me in my work uniform. Earlier in the evening he had told me exactly how he sees me. Which I always think is interesting cause most of the time it's quite a bit off the mark, he told me that he thought I was hiding by working where we work. He believes in me. Believes that I'm better than what I'm doing with my life and that I'm selling myself short.

       Don't get me wrong I am VERY aware of where I am, but something that he doesn't see that I see is that being here isn't just about me. Its about the people who's paths I cross. I am hiding at my job, but for some reason I'm just not ready to leave. Maybe it is fear, maybe it is complacency, or maybe I am selling myself short. Whatever the reason I didn't realize that it was so obvious that I was keeping myself here. I know that if I stay where I am much longer that my "light" will go out. However that being said I also believe because I didn't follow Gods instruction the first time that he is teaching me a lesson by being here, and maybe His promise to me did have a shelf life and I didn't use it before it expired.

    I say that to say when you have someone who you think highly of and you find that they think highly of you and that they wish to see better for you just as you do for them, it is kind of like being slapped in the face. you stand and stare stunned just for a minuet. Thinking to yourself did that really just happen??

      I wish I could tell him how much what he said shook me. He should know that, that is what I've been waiting to hear. I also wish that I could really express to him just how much I believe in him. I've mentioned it to him before, however he is not ready to really hear what I have to say.

Just another example of learning to say what you feel and whats on your heart. It might just be exactly what needs to be heard to encourage someone to step out of the fear and into the light.

 "Let your words light the way"

-H.F

Vulnerable

Just take a drive, those same roads that were there when I was little the same trees are all still there and sometimes it's as if time has stood still on those roads, and on those roads in that thicket of trees I'm completely safe. I wish everyone had a place like that. A feeling of security of safety, knowing and trusting someone aside from just yourself.
Something I learned this weekend is that not everyone has that safe place, which is understandable most people reach so far in the direction of self preservation that they dive into this to protect themselves. Specifically their heart. I've met some people with a more mild case of this protective reflex Even more intense are the few who transfer these feelings out to be incredibly protective of others, while still being over guarded with your own heart.I have never ever met anyone who channeled this into protecting others just as much as they protect their own heart.
Last night was game 3 of the Maverick's so after some of my friends got off work we all went to eat and get a few drinks, as it would so happen it ended up being only me my other friend and our newest male staff member none of us really know him very well so after a few drinks we all start loosening up and move on to another local bar. Come to find out he has been hurt more than once by people who should hold your complete and utter trust. A former girlfriend who's parents didn't approve, and something with his family that i haven't quite figured out. This sweet sweet boy who repeatedly told me (after reading a txt to one of my boys) that I deserved nothing but the best, I deserve a man who will treat me right and respect me. It was nice to get to have a guy close to my own age be protective of me.
My heart burns for this boy. As we were talking at the end of the evening he was telling us that he would never trust anyone, and would never allow anyone to take care of him ever again. He wants to be the one to take care of others and not have anyone take care of him.
I tell you this story to ask you how you turn this thought around? How can you take that much hurt and break through seemingly invincible walls? I will always admire him because of his sincere independence and his wish to be the most dependable and steady man.
"As to heal the soul the heart must learn to be vulnerable again."
-H.F

Snow white had it easy.

When I was a little girl I was going to live happily ever after.. as I grew so did my expectations and somewhere around the age of 12 that included my very own song with all the animals singing and possibly cleaning my room with me. A few years later that once upon a time included a happily ever after, a song with the animals, AND my very own prince charming. White horse and all I'm talking deluxe prince charming people. Disney gives us all these princesses and happily ever afters, but it's not just Disney. Disney just ties in my movie theory and  my own happily ever after dream. I remember staring awe faced at the television as I watched Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping beauty, but the same holds true all these years later.

When you go to a movie a part of you leaves reality, and for that two hours reality is suspended. But when that movie is over and you step into the daylight or the evening breeze the spell is broken, and the real world is once again at your finger tips waiting for you to claim your story.

Books, Movies these both give the mind something to ponder, the rip the reality from us and thus takes flight fighting aliens, a total hottie fighting the dragon, winning the big game or race, there is no limiting it.

Life doesn't come in a pretty box with a ribbon, that is something I'm very slowly learning. Even after all that I still whole heatedly believe in my Happily ever after. I know now that I am going to have to go take my happily ever after.

So here is my encouragement to you, I put my combat boots on face paint, I am dressed for full on combat. I am going to fight for what I want, and I so very much hope that the rest of my generation gets the hint and puts their boots on to. The only thing that should ever be handed out without a struggle is forgiveness.

Don't worry I've got my heels in my duffel to :)

-H.F.

Glory in the Flower

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

Almost twelve hours earlier I was blissfully laying by the pool, thinking how blessed I have been that I have yet to see real tragedy and anguish. A car wrapped around a tree and a friend taking their own life. But now there I go jumping ahead of myself again.

DAY OF FUN!! Thats how my Saturday morning started.. I left the movie in the early hours and after four short hours of sleep I woke up again, coffee with mom, and then out to Lewisville to a HUGE house to lounge by the pool and eat fijitas.. THAT is how my " Day Of Fun" began, you should know that as far as people go I have seen very very very little tragedy, minimal anguish, and really it's been a easy life. Of course after thinking this I was informed that a friend had died, 26, and full of life, a fabulous guy. How in the world could God have taken that guy? He's so young, and such promise!! I just talked to him for his birthday!! A little cloud starts to hover over my "Day of Fun" but I press on. Laying by the pool of the "mini-mansion" drinking a mimosa i get the text that no one should ever have to recieve. My only thought was and still is " GOD WHY WOULD HE TAKE HIS OWN LIFE?!" -- Day Of Fun is officially rained on and struck by the sad stick. After finishing 'Day &Night of fun" I make my way home... mind you its around 2am only to find that i have to take the back way to my house and pull up to my street only to find that there is a car wrapped around a tree in my front yard. He was 23 and just bought his car today, been out drinking with his friends took the dip in the road to fast and took out the bottom quarter of the light pole before being wrapped around the tree... My heart was already hurting when the officer approched me and talk about foot in mouth syndrome, my first question " Officer is everyone ok?" He died on impact and his dad showed up nearly thirty min's later to see what was left of his son and car... I've never seen anything like it it's shaken my to the core. Seeing five firemen using the jaw's of life to cut someone out of a car when the person has been gone from the second he took out the lightpole... I cannot even begin to describe the hurt and anger and unbelievable sadness.

My day of fun was exactally that. I laughed and laughed and spent time with friends who love me and with a mother who loves me. But laced with that joy is the knowledge that no matter how old you are or how young there are some things that no one should ever see and seeing a parent outlive their child is one of them. The choices we make in life don't only reflect in our own future they reflect is so many others as well, cherish the life you have because you only get one... and remember the splendor in the grass and..

the glory in the flower.

Hello, this is life calling.

Have you ever wondered exactally who you are? By this I don't mean your name and address and what you want to be when you grow up... I mean really who you are.. I am in no way pointing an accusing finger or trying to call anyone out. Mostly because I also have NO IDEA who I am. I know I'm going to school to be a journalist, spacifically in International/Intercultural Communications. I know that I love to travel, and that my life is not the regular cookie cutter life that most people have. I am not going to finish school in four years, and then get a job and get married and have kids. That life is not for me. It's just not. Amazing that everyone wants to shut you in a cookie cutter box.

One of my oldest guy friends is like that, and I cannot imagine why he is in such a rush. Like he's in such a hurry to start living his life... At the womens conference this weekend we had a speaker who covered this and the reality that you've been living your life. LIFE ALREADY STARTED. I'm so very guilty of this. I mean super guilty.. In lower school, the thought was when i get to highschool, in highschool, well when i get to college, in college now my story is well when i graduate.. when am i going to stop pre planning and just start living.

 

I have a great life. Please take note that i said great life not perfect. I have really really great friends all of them very very different, I have a job that some days makes me crazy but others is not so bad, i have a very promising future, and a family that loves me through my stupid mistakes and all. So why is it that i keep life at bay. is it because i'm afraid of failing at life? or is it as simple over living? Are we guilty of letting life mar our identity?

Moments

How do you define a moment? By the people? The place? Or what was happening? I honestly believe that all four of them are incredibly responsible for making a moment. This crossed my mind the other night as I was getting home. I'd had a really rough week and needed a night out with people who make me laugh and truly care about me... so i decided after I got off work that i would go out for drinks with a few people from work. I was hesitant at first cause while I love them, none of them have ever seen me in a drinking lets party setting... mostly because I don't really have that setting to, to often. Anyway I went and ended up having one of the most fun nights that I've had in quite a while. I mean drinks, meeting new people, and a little dancing. It was great and it gave me an opportunity to see my co-workers a little differently, even thought I'm pretty sure they still don't know exactly who i am. At that moment it makes me curious what really made that night fun... I didn't wear heels, I didn't throw down a buncha money on drinks, and we literally went right after work just to the bar across the street at our local Applebee's. So what made the moment? Did all the stars align and give me this great fun night and it just works that way that things just keep working like that? after all a moment is only what you take it for...

So after some thought and a five hour drive with two of the girls from work to Galveston.. and an interesting dinner... I think I've decided that it is the company, the area, but it is also how you make it. Cause I'm sure any situation can be turned if you wanted to. But I wanted to laugh and have fun Saturday night and ended up staying out till somewhere around four or five in the morning... and yesterday was up early to leave Dallas and late to go to sleep because we were talking and cutting up and having a good time.

So cut and dried I think these moments are to precious and worth while to believe anything other than they come around when you decide that you truly need and want these moments.

-H.F.

Swomp

NEW ORLEANS!!

I spent this last weekend in Louisiana, to be a little more specific in the heart of Louisiana. My cousin lives in Baton Rouge, and we decided to have a girls weekend... This included a trip to New Orleans where Mardi Gras is well under-way. It was like an overload to the senses. The atmosphere is vibrant, and full of life and food... oh goodness the food... its no wonder there are no skinny people there... just like their atmosphere, the food is rich with color and life. While it is definitely not the prettiest city it is one of the few cities in the United States that has a life and rhythm all its own. which for a smaller city is unusual. I already have some kind of weird connection to Louisiana just because I love that state even though I've never lived there .... aside from my home state of course... Louisiana has a charm all its own, and for people who have never been there well I recommend a trip... however understand that Louisiana is not for everyone. Its mostly a swamp, but it has a mysterious bayou thing going for it. It is truly a place to let your imagination run away with you.

The cascading trees that are so deeply rooted in the murky water. the bases of the trees that spread to keep them firmly planted in the swamp. Its as if the trees themselves have a story to tell. The houses in the middle of the swamp their own personal city. each house giving refuge for the people who call the swamp home. while these houses are often times modest, the appearance on the outside can be deceiving.. The insides are full of life and love. A love that does not just stem from the people but also from the food, vibrance, and mystique of the swamp. It has a life and love all its own and each night as the sun sets over the swamp the swamps musical begins, the lightning bugs flash on and off the moonlight sets a spotlight on the frogs who have a unique quartet all its own, as the crickets join in to add the the sound the lullaby if you will.... See what i mean it is so easy to let your imagination run away with you.

Anyway I cannot tell you how vibrant and colorful the city is. It seems to engage all of your senses... the smell of boiled crawfish and food are fragrant in the air, around the square in the french quarter are all the painters peddling their unique images of the city and the color of the city, the sound of chatting people and music coming out of the restaurants and flooding the streets. The men playing in a quartet in the corner, the boys tap dancing with crushed cans on the bottom of their shoes. It is almost an overload to the senses... 

And since when i was there the celebration of Mardi Gras was in full swing. The masks and even more colors than before. Beads for days, colorful drinks, colorful masks, and lots and lots of purple, gold, and green. I believe it is an experience of a lifetime and possibly one of the best ways to engage all your senses and to experience a totally different culture... to just immerse yourself in culture and tradition. I cant think of a better way to spend my weekend...

-H.F

Big Dreamer

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by the moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world" - Oscar Wilde

dreams, dreams, dreams.... Today I took the day to read and lay in the sun, and i got to thinking, my dreams are so so big, and I have to wonder am i shying away from my dreams with a sheild of complacenc?. It really kind of frightens me. I took the last few months to think, and figure things out, and boy let me tell you i have a list of dreams a mile and a half long not only dreams but expectations of life.

How do you know when it is time to break the mold? Whatever you wish to call it, the fear of losing all i have here, the friends, the relationships, and ok so maybe it is just me... I feel like most people just have it all set.

school... grow up... get married... get a legit job... have kids... live happily ever after...

while i realize that is an exaggeration, I've always know my "life plan" would be extremely different and out of the ordinary unlike the "normal" life path... i guess my question is when does this all start? Is their a letter you get in the mail, text message maybe? Most likely that is wishful thinking, and I am just supposed to "know"
Part of how i was raised was to dream big, reach for the stars and the idea that i can do anything i want and be anyone i want to be... What mom didn't tell me is how to know when to lay my cards on the table and move on.

 I asked one of my mentors and one of the few people who are not related to me and yet know me better than anyone ( aside from my mother) and he told me, "Just ask"... really it's just that simple... ask? another thing he said that struck a chord " find somthing that sticks with you somthing you cannot get out of your head or more importantly somthing that you cannot get out of your heart". ** cricket cricket** my heart yearns for so many things... travel, teach, learn, make my mark in history... And please understand that I'm not talking about my name being in history books like Ghandi or Mother Theresa, if i can touch one life just one thats good enough for me. But where does all this start, how do i know it is time....

This might seem odd seeing as I'm 21 and supposedly already started my life or whatever... and for those who believe you have four years to complete college, then get the great job, then get married, then have kids and live happily ever after... I just don't think i believe that for myself... life should be thought of two ways,

1. life is more managable when thought of as a scavanger hunt instead of as a suprise party

2. education should be thought of as a buffet... you can always go back for more as many times as you wish

So as i sit here and give you an inside look into my thoughts and life i ask...

As young and in-experienced as i am, are things as black and white as they seem?

-H.F.

Love

Love is Patient...

 Love is Kind...

Love is letting someone see the whole of you and not being afraid they will go running....

Love is tender...

Love, how many different ways it has been defined, used, abused, and given as the ultimate gift.Today is Valentines day the Hallmark Holiday and somthing about Cupid, but most importantly the day of 'Love'. Every single girls worst nightmare, every husbands and boyfriends day to shine or be in the dog house for the next three days. But what is an accurate picture of Love? I'm 21 (thats right and my blog has Hot Flash in the title) and my entire generation has a warped perception of love, the only people I know that are still married are my grandparents, not only married but truely in love. My grandfather died last year of alzheimers, he may not have remebered us or a lot of other things but one thing he never forgot was how much he loved my grandmother. He wasn't perfect and neither was she, but they loved all of eachother the good, the bad, and the rediculous. The one thing I do know about love.....

 LOVE IS NOT PERFECT.

       Like every girl I hope for a happily ever after, and my prince to come and sweep me off my feet, however, no matter how much I believe in the fairytale... I know that, that perfection can be stifling to love. Love is the tenderness that comes from knowing that you're not perfect, and there is no need to always be perfect. Also whatever crazy came up with sex is love... is delusional. Sure its a physical bond and a key to a good relationship and a strong love but it is not love. I'm so sad for people who view it that way and then find the real deal and have to fight through all the old habits and feelings... No thank you. Love. Love your neighibor...Love. Love those who may not deserve your love...Love.

       So many types of Love, Love for friends, Love for family, Love for a significant other, and yet it still has no clearly defined meaning, or boundries for that matter. What is Love?

Well here is my take in a nutshell... Love is a comfortable, tenderness that accepts the whole of a personality. What can i say i'm just putting the pieces together. 

LOVE

HF. 

Restless

Sitting in bed, and my mind is going ninty miles an hour. I mean everywhere at the same time. Mostly over the mistakes of the day. I wonder if I"m the only person who sometimes has to completely give up on sleep due to a heavy concious. Is it possibly that the concisous is so powerful that it can actually deprive you of a restful sleep? Given time to process the day seems to be a dangerous thing. How many times over the course of the day have I truly thought of somthing other than the immediate task that was at hand. Then suddenly its time to shut everything down and my brain races over the happenings of the day. "Oh I should have said this. Oh i wish i would have done that differently. I should have timed that better. Do I still have my best friend from highschool? Wonder how my sister is feeling today." I mean really can we just calm down, then I'm thinking about the guy at work and how I've been a crap friend to him the last two days. Which really sucks cause I don't exactally see him very often. He had a crap day yesterday and I'm sure I didn't help that.

Is there an off switch somewhere I desparately need some good sleep, just like I had yesterday.

        Which brings me to my next question. Why is it that this didn't bother me yesterday? Is it a concious choice? I vaguely remeber thinking yesterday that I should really get up and check for why my phones library suddenly said it was empty, the told myself it would be there to figure out in the morning and not to worry. Is this the same situation? Ok so I guess my solution to this in all my knowledge.... I should try to be a better person during the day so I can sleep like a baby at night.

-HF

Mirror Mirror

  " Mirror Mirror on the wall why must i be so tall

              I hate my hair, its just not fair.

          Help me change the things I see

          For it's beautiful I long to be"

Why is it that every person can look in the mirror and see one flaw in themselves, but when we look at our neighibors all we see is perfection? Is that part of the age old coveting things we don't have and forgetting all the things we do? This thought struck me today as i was eating lunch at work with my friends. I look across the table and my friend is eating and I know she hopes the guy we work with will look her way, but does it ever cross her mind just how talented she is artistically? and she doesn't do anything with it. I would LOVE to be able to be just as creatively artistic as she is, however i am only mildly artistic. My other friend is sitting across frrom me and i look at her life and think,

                                    IF ONLY i were as put together as she is. IF ONLY.

           But do I realize that her calling and mine are at total different ends of the spectrum? The only boy in our entire staff thats on the floor comes and eats with us, and he is so stinkin smart and cute to boot, but I think he's so hooked on how much he's been hurt in the past that he won't really let any of us very close. What a loss, not only for him but also for us. Why is it that people take the bad and blow it up so big that they almost miss all the good.

         As a Christian woman I am supposed to know that I am a Princess in His royal court. There is no part of me, my spirit, my personality, or just plain ole me that the Father doesn't love no matter how I act or what I say and do. However I cannot help but long for what is not mine. I was created to a perfect design for me. So why do I hide parts of myself from everyone else. Why do I want to change what I personally do not deem as perfect? As a generation why do we wish to change what might seem imperfect?

        I think I have part of the answer.. or maybe just the answer to myself. And suprisingly enough if came from a conversation with the same people a week earlier at lunch... ( there seems to be some pattern here)

We were talking about how women make men into jerks, and one thing comes out of their mouth but another follows with actions and it's totally different. What bothered me most about this particular conversation is that it was all "we". very very vague and general. of course each girl is the exception to one rule, but what if we are all the exception to every sterotypical rule? So that is my answer I see the flaws and wish to change them or make them different when actually I'm just the exception to the sterotype.
 "mirror mirror on the wall, maybe i'm not the fairest of them all...

              but what the heck do you know you're just a mirror"

                                               

- H.F

     

                                              

More than a piece of meat

It seems that in this day and age young women have really stepped out and have openly shown their taste when it comes to men. Or maybe it's just me getting older, either way it's something I've noticed. And I can't help but think are men feeling the same way I feel when this happens to me, heck is it even fair to make that assessment of men? I get a whistle and I think you know what I'm so very glad you find me attractive, but you should know that I'm not just a piece of meat, I'm smart, I'm funny ( kind of corny), and I have big dreams.

        Well talking to my sister the other day I realized... I have become one of those women that says," oh my jeez did you see that hottie... YUMM" and it seems to possess my conversation. I would like to put on the table that it does not consume my thoughts, but seems to be the hot spot of open conversation with people like my sister and some of my very close friends, that much I'm grateful for because they all know that I'm intelligent and not really a slut and my boy issues are usually very containable, but none the less it dominates my conversation.

                                                             I HATE THAT.

I hate that I look at a person and immediately think " mm he's yumm-o" or " oh no thank you" what if he's a super prick but super yumm-o? what if he's one of those guys who has a killer personality and a super smile but you have to get to know them? I hate not seeing past the appearances. At one point that's all i saw was past the appearance.. As of late I see the appearance first then look to see whats underneath. "Well how can you see whats underneath if you only see a person in passing" let me tell you something I'm a people watcher and always have been, as a result I see things most don't. And trust me it's an art. But back to the subject at hand. If I don't want to be perceived as a piece of meat shame on me for looking at guys like that and expecting to not be seen as such by them. 

        One day I would love to really delve deep into how people perceive each other, however I'm sure that requires some form of Doctoral degree, of which I currently do not possess. So for now knowing that I, myself am guilty of this is half the battle.

-HF